There has got to be SOMETHING More!

So, if any of you actually took my word, and watched One Tree Hill last night, things on that show got pretty interesting. The new episode theme was about death. I think in reality most people are scared of death.. what awaits us after we pass on, whether it be a white robe with a halo and a great peaceful paradise, or a very hot or bad place to be for eternity. My Grandma is a very religious person.. not catholic, used to answer questions my sister and I had about God, if there was a heaven, what's heaven like, is there a hell, and so on. My Grandma would reply to us with heaven will have everything you want there, whether you want a whole room made of bubble gum to bounce on, or if you want to have a swimming pool with jello to dive into, it was to be what ever our heart's content was. We would also ask about the babies, and the old people who would die, what happened to them, would they be old, or young there. Grandma would give an example of a person in a wheel chair being able to run, or an elderly woman who didn't hurt anymore and could run just as fast as we could and not tire. To some degree, this really did make us feel at ease about death.. Just being able too ride a lion through the clouds and bounce in a bubble gum room seemed to be the right thing to ease our worries about our family members who had past.

Sometimes I wonder if the dreams we spend so much time working for, and never reach, if that is what heaven will have for us. In my case I wonder if I will have hundreds of babies and the whole "American Dream" in heaven.

Sitting here sometimes makes me feel like my life is just passing away, the older I get, the faster it goes by, watching everyone else run off to the sunset.. while I sit right here and watch. I really think that I feel if we don't have children, I will never move forward with life. I will be just stuck right here, waiting for it all to start. I really do need another hobby!

On a different note, I still have not got to start my first round of clomid yet. AF is on vacation this month, and I guess that I never did get the memo. I wish my body would quit fighting everything and just work right. Lord knows that I have to be soo difficult inside and out. I really don't know what is going on with my body.. I think sometimes I just set myself up to be, punked into thinking could I be pregnant... I'm late, my boobs are huge- have they ever ballooned up this big? They don't hurt, but should they? Then I get the wild idea to take a HPT, bad idea. You want to talk about something making you feel like a complete crazy moron. I give in after a while of debating with my consciences on my shoulders, telling me to take the test, and not to, I'm a retard. I give in and take a HPT, and get a BFN on it, praying that sometime, God will prove me wrong, and a great miracle will take place, I will be magically pregnant.. and the water in the toilet will part... so not going to happen.

Then, I go to well fine, if it's going to be that way, then, I don't want any kids... who am I actually kidding? I just hope that God is keeping entertained with all of this. I kind of wonder if there are actually some angels taking bets if I will take a HPT or not up in heaven some times. I bet my odds are 99/1 that I will take the test.

Life goes on I guess, anyway, this week has not been that great for me, very stressful. I just want to stay in bed and surf the internet all day. I just do not feel up for anything right now. I'm just kind of feeling blaghhh for this week, trying to survive until Friday night, when Allen will be home again. I really do miss him this week, even if he thinks that I am being a crazy *B* from hell, that can't figure out "what's wrong". I hate being like this, but I don't feel like being anything but this. I keep thinking of that Sugarland song, "There's got to be something more, there's got to be more than this, I need a little less hard time, gotta be a little more bliss, gotta get away from this." Hopefully soon, I will start hearing the Peanuts theme song in by head instead of depressing sad songs.