Start of something New

To those of you out there, I am new here. I have found this site from my neighbors. Lord knows I need somewhere to vent some days. This is the start of talking about a long and crazy road ahead... the road to of trying to become a MOTHER. My husband, Allen, & I are now to the point that we have to have help getting pregnant.The next step is to get an IUI procedure performed...if my tubes are not blocked. The problems are divided equally between the two of us to why we have not become pregnant. So, now, I have finally decided to start a blog, so that someday, hopefully soon, I can share this with my son or daughter. I got the idea for this from reading a few other blogs on this site, and have thought they have been a great inspiration. I have tried the chat rooms for infertility, and they are just really depressing for me.
Hopefully, some people can relate to me, and offer some light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to think that someone other than my husband would read all of the crazy things I know that I will come up with.

Lets start about 5 years ago....

That's us, Allen & Ashley McCann, "Just Hitched"! November 22, 2003 will always be one of the best days of my life, and the start of something great.

That day, I officially went off the pill. You see, I am catholic, and I would love nothing more than to have a yard full of kids, (preferably after marriage), and no, I am not one of those people wanting 13 kids plus, three would have been great for me. But, that was then, and this is now. Now... I am just hoping to have just ONE. Back then, I remember that wedding night feeling a huge sense of relief.. I could get pregnant IF I wanted to. It was like just getting your driving license, and knowing that I could drive to my friends house, if I wanted to, or I could just stay home, what ever I wanted to do. That was one of the greatest feelings that I have ever had in my life. We were now a Family. My own family. So, thus began the long ride to where we are today. I was much more blissful back then. I was excited when someone was pregnant.. before I knew how much trouble this would all be. Now, I cannot stand to hear it, usually spending the whole day sulking after such "news". I really want to be happy for those people, but, I just can't right now. I don't know that I ever will, even if we do have kids, I just don't know if I will ever be the same. I can't say that I am a happy person now. I am content being home by myself now. I used to think that I had morphed into this bitter, hateful person, but after reading some other blogs, I have concluded that, yes, I AM NORMAL, or at least not out of my mind for some of the things that I think about.
I am sorry if some people get offended reading this, but, this is one of the hardest hurdles that I have yet to overcome in my life, and right now, that hurdle is the size of Mt. Zion.
I was lying in bed last night, thinking that I have finally figured myself out - I have been lost for quite some time now. I know who I WANT to be, Martha Stewart & Soccer Mom meets Paula Deen, not hateful mean person with a "list" of people who have upset me in some way or another. I really do want to be a good, nice, sweet person, who just happens to be pregnant, or content with not being pregnant...but when I try and try to get there, I get frustrated of fighting for it, give up, and become Ashley the Hermit Crab- most mean & spiteful person - with a great yard. I have finally come to the conclusion that secretly, somewhere deep down I have this "idea" that if I have the best yard, keep my house clean and welcoming, balancing everything just right- I will magically get pregnant! whoohooo! SO NOT going to work. I have also found that you cannot bargin with God, no matter how good your offer is. I am just so naive to believe that if you do everything right, finish school, not get arrested, get a great job, find a great guy, and get married, have a loving marriage, that you are to be rewarded! Soooo not true. I know, I am really naive, but don't hold that against me! I keep asking myself sometimes, "What did I do that was so wrong?" NOTHING, I now realize this.
Right now, I need to learn to be patient, and realize that I have a wonderfully blessed life! I have a husband who loves me despite my vengeful side, a great home that I love, a dog who thinks I hung the moon, a knack for cooking, and family & friends who really do love me - no matter what I do in this life. So, if you can bare to stay here, still reading about all of my insanities, I promise to keep you entertained! Just remember Life is Good!